Spread Thin

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I’ve been trying to quiet the constant chatter in my brain lately, but I’ve been having trouble.  One clear sign that I know something is up, is that I was tossing and turning in bed last night and had trouble falling asleep.  Normally, I am an absolute pro at falling asleep anytime anywhere.  Exhibit A.

This behavior is actually something that happens to me every year.  The same time of year.  So why I don’t expect these feelings of anxiety, stress, and sadness by now, is anyone’s guess.  Perhaps some of you out there can relate.  I call it “the birthday blues”.

I know that in the midst of a society dealing with an economic crisis, world hunger, and ponzi schemes, having anxiety over one meaningless day (like a friggin birthday!) is absolutely absurd.  But try as I might to trick myself into forgetting my birthday, or treating it without a care, I sincerely can’t help it.  And I know that too resist is to persist.  So with that in mind, this year I am making my best efforts to just embrace these feelings of confusion and meloncholia.  Not to judge it or try and fight it.  But to let it be there.  And then hopefully this too shall pass.

It has nothing to do with getting one year older.  I actually quite look forward to that part.  24!  Woohoo!  I imagine it will be a lot like 23.  Can’t wait.  For me, it’s more about my expectations of the day.  I tend to exhaust myself when trying to think of the absolute perfect way to plan the day.  And the fact that my birthday also happens to be Halloween, doesn’t exactly help my search for peace and calm about the whole thing.  In fact, Halloween in the city is usually a night of chaos and lots of traffic.  I just try to remind myself: it’s just one day.  A day like any other day.  A day with 24 hours.  I will eat during this day.  And I will sleep at the end of it.  And maybe party with my lovely friends at some point during it.

Sorry this is more of a bummer-y post than I usually put up.  But in an effort to be honest with where I’m at, might as well share these feelings on my blog too.  Thanks for listening.

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